Carter-less

Photo cred to the beautiful and talented Cassie!

Sometimes when Carter isn't around to censor my actions, not good things happen. Not good sometimes meaning I post our fake engagements photos all over the internet...fake engagement photos that are scarily authentic. In my defense, they were taken as a prank on a particularly gullible mutual friend on his mission. Not that you'd have to be all the gullible to believe that invite. Another factoid probably also not appropriate for the internet: I'd do anything for a good prank.

Awkward is the New Cool

My semester is fantastic. I'm totally on top of (almost) every class, my living situation is fabulous (hello, two minutes from campus), I see at least three Jerusalem friends everyday, my outside-of-Jerusalem social life is picking up, I got through the Provo temple in a record-breaking hour this week, scripture study and prayer have been really satisfying lately, and my arms are sore from swimming. Life is soooooo good and that is an understatement. Really people, I am convinced if everyone lived the quality of life I do Israel would tear down the separation wall, Iran would dismantle their nuclear program, and we would all ride unicorns under rainbows sucking on lollipops. My Miss America crown should be arriving in the mail any day now. I know you watched that pageant so don't you dare tell me I wouldn't win with that platform. Like, please. If Miss Wisconsin can win on a platform based off of her father's incarceration then I can definitely win off a platform based on unicorns.

I don't know that I have anything in particular to say, other than male infertility is a huge problem in Mali. But you already knew that. I could offer an entertaining story? Cassie and I were lovingly picking out eggs for the week in the grocery store as three boys from our new ward passed us. And naturally I was friendly, "Oh hey guys! Fun times grocery shopping? Awesome." which was met with blank faces and mumbling. Being the oblivious person I am, I totally did not realize they had no clue who we were and they definitely thought strangers were hitting on them in the grocery store. Cassie tried to save the day by yelling out, "We're from your ward!" a tad too late though one of the boys apparently heard. Imma interject here with some outrage. I KNOW one of those boys helped us move in and we met the other two at our ward party. So who do they think they are, going about and not remembering us?? We're memorable people, alright? Later one of the boys tried to ameliorate the situation by confirming our new-ness in the ward and then conversing with us. Of course I then made the situation worse by interjecting awkward one liners in inappropriate places of the conversation, " Jerusalem reunions are so great, we just like to touch each other." Don't worry, my social standing in that ward isn't totally shot...yet. I've heard that awkward is the new cool. Oh you've heard that too? Cool - I mean awkward.

Mitt is So Mormon...

I've found a new favorite kind of joke and it's of the Mitt Romney flavor. Probably, you'all have heard of these but I find them delicious. From Religious Dispatches:

Earlier this week, Florida evangelical Christian leader John Stemberger endorsed Rick Perry’s campaign for GOP presidential nominee. According to Stemberger, Perry was more “trustworthy” on social conservation issues like abortion rights. On Romney, Stemberger said: “The issue not that he is a Mormon. The issue is that he wasn’t Mormon enough.”

Apparently Stemberger's comment begun a string of 'Mitt is so Mormon' jokes on twitter @askmormongirl that I find hilarious. My favs?

Mitt is so Mormon he’s related to the other Mormon presidential candidate and half of his own campaign volunteers as well.

Mitt is so Mormon that his campaign “oppo” team has done all the other candidates’ genealogy.

Mitt is so Mormon he’s organizing his precinct walkers in pairs to knock doors with a very special message.

Mitt Romney is so Mormon that he’s afraid to join the Tea Party because of Doctrine & Covenants 89.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d ask the Elders Quorum to move him into the White House.

Mitt is so Mormon, he has four cats named 1 Nephi, 2 Nephi, 3 Nephi and 4 Nephi. (4 Nephi is the small one.)

So in case you didn't catch that: Mitt is sooooo Mormon.

"Alexa, what is all this junk in your trunk?"

Moving can be really awful because you have to spend all that time around dust and cobwebs and cardboard boxes and everyone is Mr. Grumpy-Pants because they are constantly teetering on hoarder-dom until I force them to throw said blanket/candle/childhood plaything out (definitely watch too much of TLC's show Hoarders). But sometimes moving can also be fun, especially when you discover that you have enough backpacks to supply a small African school or a mutinous army of toothbrushes or a couple of corsets that apparently don't belong to anyone in the family...

Wait what?

If you have never moved houses before you might try it out sometime. Try everything once, I always say. Perhaps on a date?

I dream of...Devin?

Top five most dreamt about people:

1. My Mom – often dying, sometimes re-marrying after my dad’s death

2. My Dad – often dying, sometimes mourning after my mom’s death

3. Alexa - often involved in crime

4. Beautiful Alaskan man, code name Clark Kent – always as my friend and secret lover

5. 32-yr old man I used to work with – always first-kiss dreams

I believe in the power of dreams. I also believe my subconscious likes to screw with me. A 32 year old man, subconscious? …ok so you got me this time. I may be in love with Devin.

The Anti-Joke

Well this seems legit.

So a guys walks into a doctor’s office and says,” Doctor, it hurts when I poke my kness like this.” And the doctor says, “Yes, you’ve shattered both your kneecaps. You’ll never walk again”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a gun
Get in the van

A horse walks into a bar. Several people left as they spotted the potential danger of the situation.

I don’t know why but these are sooooo funny to me right now. Alexa has been coming up with new ones every five minutes and I can’t. stop. laughing. Don’t know what an anti-joke is? Well friends, lemme es’plain. According to anti-joke.com, an anti joke ‘is a type of comedy in which the joke is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.’

The anti joke you are probably familiar with follows along these lines:
What is green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

But that’s not funny at all, unlike this more controversial model:
What’s worse than finding half of a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

Funny and yet still not funny. Does anyone else think anti jokes are funny? Maybe I can win you over with a few more? (read aloud)

Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

What’s the difference between a duck and a bicycle? The bicycle has handle bars.

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? We are both lawyers.

Still not funny? Okay well just try it out on a relative and maybe it will suddenly be hilarious.